I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
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Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
japanese corn
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Left at a local drug store…
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.