[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
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2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.