Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
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The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)