Sign of the day..
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Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.