but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
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Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!