It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
You Might Also Like
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*