Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
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Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
💻🤡
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle