The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
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Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
The most important meal of the day is the next one
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.