Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
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Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning