Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
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lol
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
he’s sick of your bullshit today
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.