celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
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*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.