When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
You Might Also Like
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Are these grass-fed oranges?
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.