me: more teeth
dentist: what
me: *recording video* no skimping now
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[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
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#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.