Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
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marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Canadian owl: Eh?
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Mhm.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
BRAKING NEWS!!