Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
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[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
oh my god
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower