Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
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My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak