Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
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If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs: