Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
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“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes