“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
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At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.