Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
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Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”