Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
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A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.