It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
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CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.