“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
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sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
why isn’t he texting back
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
catch me on valentine’s day like
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife