Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
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Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain