Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
You Might Also Like
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.