You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
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When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda