Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
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Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.