ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
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Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind