I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
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Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
tourist season
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.