All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
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PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
I’m already scared
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”