*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
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[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
best review i’ve ever seen
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.