[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
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I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.