remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
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My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
The honesty is refreshing
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?