‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
You Might Also Like
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it