I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
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I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
My first child will be named New Folder.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”