It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
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If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?