I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
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There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.