Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
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I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
The Struggle
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore