Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
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Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I’ll be mad as hell!
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.