*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
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Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.