[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
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I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.