Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
You Might Also Like
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?