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*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.