[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
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I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
The Compass
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place