My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
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[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.