Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
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If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.