My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
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I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.