Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
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Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.