Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
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Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
😂🤣😂🤣
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Trumpy Cat
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.