You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
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A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
kitchen magnet
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”